Monday, March 30, 2009


Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change:$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) More Beer!!!
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) ...and even More Beer!!!
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) another Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail...
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50..00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!


Blogger buffalodick said...

Hey! I resemble that remark!

4:29 PM  
Blogger Heff said...

The figure for bail seems a bit high, but other than that, you nailed it.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...


8:39 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

we all need oil change every year
it will be Easter soon

8:40 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

heyy Buffalo
I tot hosses were beeger

8:41 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

and Blacks

8:42 PM  
Blogger Starbender said...

Buff- No Way man!

Heff- That's without the 10%

Jimmy- It will be Easter soon!
Think Spring!!!

(\ /).(¯`♥´¯).
( . .) `*.¸.*´
c(")(")☆ Starbender

8:42 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

I am outta here now

8:42 PM  
Blogger Dr.John said...

I say never send a man to do what a woman can get done while he watches the playoffs or any available game.

5:15 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

VEST died last night

5:37 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

he was killed

5:37 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

Rosemary caught him making love to Peggy, an old flame

She hit him on the head with a frying pan filled with hot oil

5:39 PM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

rosemary has left a new comment on the post "Friends and Formerly Absent Family Members. It is ...":

Jimmy, I am so sorry to disappoint you. Whatever you imagined happenning overnight can be disproved by his amorous advances this morning at around 7-30 am.
Even Lazarus could'nt do that whacko "April Fool".

Post a comment.

7:52 PM  

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